Changes

There's a lot about April's newborn phase that I'm ashamed to admit. I am not sure if it was post-partum depression, but I definitely suspected it. My midwife suggested therapy but I didn't want to share my feelings with anyone. I had so much trouble admitting things weren't the fairy tale you start to believe they will be. I suspect it has something to do with infertility and our struggles to get here. There is for sure a "survivor's guilt" associated with finally getting pregnant and having a baby. The last thing I wanted was to seem ungrateful for my miracle.

But anyway, things were definitely not easy for a while. April had reflux and a really hard time with gas. I had some difficulty recovering from the c-section (and subsequent d&c after 8 weeks of bleeding). And with the shift Rob was working, I felt like I was alone most of the time. Some people reached out to spend time with us, but I hid what I was feeling. Honestly, I didn't feel as connected to her as I knew I should. Which created a guilt spiral where I just felt worse and worse.

I wanted to say all this not to be a bummer, but to reflect on how I am still in amazement over how things have changed in the past maybe four weeks. I'm sure part of it is me getting used to the new normal and feeling better physically. I started to learn what she liked, too. I would think April is the real reason, though. I absolutely adore this baby. In her third month, she started responding to us and the world in general. I could sit and watch her smile for hours (and do, it seems). My favorite thing in the whole world right now is when she "talks" to me. I never imagined loving a sound so much.

I don't really have a reference point with which to judge, but she seems like such a sweet and happy baby! We've been toting her around all kinds of places, and she is (for the most part) easy! She's been to all kinds of restaurants and parties in her three months. I am so grateful to have such an awesome girl. I'm truly lucky in countless ways these days.

She'll be three months old tomorrow. Happy quarter-birthday, April. I'm sorry for our rough start but can't wait to see how you continue to grow!

Nothing much!

(This picture is also from July 4th, but it's a rare one of April and me together!)
Be impressed I'm remembering to update! It's a Thursday night and April has been asleep for a bit. Rob's at work. And it's a million degrees! I'd still rather this than a foot of snow or freezing temperatures, but DAMN. My thermostat says 85 degrees in my living room at 10:30 at night!

This is the last week of my modified back-to-work schedule. I worked three days in the office and today from home, with tomorrow off. Next week, it's the real deal. It's been much smoother than I expected on the home front - thank goodness! So far, so good. Let me outline my new morning routine, because I'm proud of my organization!

I wake up at 5 AM. The first thing I do is take Layla and Mini (the dogs!) to the park. Then I feed them and take Spanky (the decrepit old dog) outside. I pack my lunch up and get washed and dressed. Then I pump to make a bottle for Rob to give April while I watch the news. I go in and feed her after that, super quietly and carefully so she stays asleep! I pack up my pump and head out by 6:15! I've been pumping three times a day in my office, something else that makes me feel really lucky. I have a door to shut and an understanding company!

I feel so much better of a mom with this time away, honestly. It was a little difficult to be April's pretty-much-sole caregiver 24/7. I know Rob is struggling a bit with sleep, since he gets home around 3:30 AM and April generally gets up around 9 AM. But I'm hopeful it will work out for a bit, at least until I feel more comfortable finding her a daycare or caregiver. I really miss Rob, though. He leaves for work 15-20 minutes after I get home. I am thankful to have him home for April during the day...but I do miss spending time with him.

April is doing great, though! She's going through some early teething, I think. She seems to be sitting up better and better each day. I just love her to pieces.

Back on the wagon!

I would love to get back into blogging and turn this into a "mommy" blog so I can look back on April's developments. The perfect time would be now, as I am going back to work! I have more time to sit and type this way, even if I leave the screen open and update a bit as I finish things here. So, here's an update!

Tomorrow April will be 11 weeks old. She's doing so great! I had a tough time adjusting with the physical issues I had and she developed (reflux and gas), but things are so, so much better. She is a joy. She's smiling like crazy! I can't get enough of those huge, toothless grins and laughs. She will chatter at us a bit and I love having a "conversation." Right now she's putting everything in her mouth and it's amazing to see how quickly her coordination develops. She also loves staring at her feet.

She's a great sleeper for the most part! Not much of a napper during the day but sleeps for a good 6-hour stretch and then will usually go back down for another 2-3 hours. Right now this is awesome, as Rob is on second shift and has her during the day. Since he gets home around 3-3:30, if she can sleep until 9, it's doable. I generally feed her while she sleeps before I leave for work at 6:15.

Mornings are a little hectic for me right now, but I'm learning! I take the dogs for a walk, feed them all, get myself ready, pump to make her morning bottle to leave for Rob, feed April, and pack the pump and my lunch. Whew! It means getting up at 5, but if I can get her in bed by midnight, I manage! That hasn't been a problem in the past few weeks,so fingers crossed it stays that way.

She's growing fantastically! At her one month appointment, she was 9 lbs, 12.5 oz. At her two month appointment, she was 11 lbs, 14 oz. She's in the 70% percentile for height and weight and was for both appointments. We also had SHOTS this appointment, which is heartbreaking for mama! Boy did she scream - the kind where they take a while to take a breath. But I stuck a boob in her mouth right after, and she was fine. She was kind of "off" for a few days, but we're back to normal!

Breastfeeding is going awesome, although I'm a little neurotic about the effects of going back to work. Hopefully the supply will keep up. I try to pump every 3 hours, so it's 3 times during the work day if I can. It's awkward, as my door is plywood and my pump sounds like a sick goose...but oh well! I need to get over sitting at my desk topless with the pump bottles stuck to me with this elastic band around my boobs (so I have my hands free).

We also had a wonderful 4th of July! April was such a good sport, since we dragged her to two parties on Saturday then two parties on Monday (plus the parade). She is such a good baby and handles being ported around and passed to different people really well. And she went in the pool!

I have 50 million pictures, but the ones here are her on the 4th. I promise to be better about keeping this blog up!

Never how I planned

I am still learning the lessons in humility and acceptance that have come with infertility and pregnancy complications. It's been difficult. I had a plan. We'd get pregnant after a month or two (see? I wasn't being unreasonable - I didn't expect it on the first try or anything! Ha!). I'd have an easy pregnancy. I would give birth unmedicated and on the baby's schedule. Not so much, as I should've learned by now! When I talk about the birth, people say to focus on the fact that we're both here and healthy. I know that's the important thing, I truly do, but I have mourned for the birth experience I wanted. But hey, I didn't have the conception experience I wanted, so maybe I should've known! :)

On April 26th, I had my 39 week appointment with the obstetrician. No more midwives for me with the hypertension! I had some mild contractions on a timeable basis during the weekend, but by that Tuesday they had stopped. I had previously measured at 1.5 cm dialation but didn't feel like the baby was in any hurry. It turns out, it wasn't, but my body wasn't handling the late stages of pregnancy well.

My blood pressure was higher than it had been even when I was hospitalized earlier in the month. Ironically, the doctor who saw me was the one who I hated as my gynecologist and caused me to leave the practice. I only went back because I wanted the Alternative Birthing Center, requiring a practice with several midwives. She had the same shitty bedside manner I remembered. :) I was told to get my ass immediately to the hospital. I even was told to bypass triage and tell them I was to get a labor room immediately.

So I ended up in Labor Room 5, the exact kind of impersonal, uncomfortable, highly "medical" labor room I had wanted to avoid. I was told I was to be confined to bed but could go to the bathroom myself if my blood pressure stabilized a bit. They started me on magnesium citrate, which is an awful, awful medication. I also started another medication to bring the blood pressure down, and pitocin to get the show on the road.

It really took a while to start feeling the contractions from the pitocin. I had probably been in the labor room for 5-6 hours at that time. The doctor broke my water that night and things started moving from there. So I learned that labor hurts! I was unable to do any of the positions I had studied to help with labor and powered through it confined to bed. One nice thing that happened was one of the midwives spent most of the night with us, helping me through the contractions. I felt like I could handle the pain enough to make this happen.

Until I made no progress in dialation after the entire night of contractions. It was the first time labor would make me feel more hopeless and inadequate than I ever had before. I broke and asked for the epidural at the advice of the nurse.

The relief was welcome! I was able to send Rob home to shower and take care of the dogs, since I was only at 3 cm and he had come to the doctor appointment right from a 12 hour shift. Poor guy was sleeping between my contractions all night. :)

When I was checked again after the morning, I was shocked to learn I was 9 cm and close to pushing time! My spirits lifted. Finally - to meet this baby! Rob wasn't back but was close, so at least I wasn't alone! My family were waiting downstairs and I felt like it couldn't be long!

Wrong again! I pushed for 3 hours. It turns out the baby wasn't quite in the right position - it was face-up (or, more pleasantly, "sunnyside up") and slightly askew. Although I was pushing well and apparently you could see the top of the crown, I wasn't making progress. I could see the nurses and doctors whispering and exchanging looks, so I knew it wasn't going well.

The doctor then gave me a choice: I could keep pushing, and maybe the baby would break free. But I would have to accept the possibility of an emergency c-section. In an emeregency section, the incision is vertical, causing all kinds of recovery problems and ruling out future vaginal deliveries. Or I could opt for a non-emergency c-section. This would give them time to prepare and do the bikini cut, a more forgiving incision and leaving open the possibility of avoiding a section with future children. The baby had never shown signs of distress, so I still had the choice.

What a choice. The thing I didn't want most out of this delivery was on the table...but was obviously the better choice for me and the baby.

So I ended up on the operating table in the most surreal experience, splayed out like on the cross on the other side of a big curtain. There were probably 10 people in the operating room (all very nice and comforting, at least). I was so exhausted and feeling the effects of the magnesium, which was trippy and caused eye issues.

But a happy ending! They asked Rob to tell us all what the baby was. I'll never forget his reaction: happy crying as he said "It's a beautiful baby girl."

April Lynn was born at 5:02 PM on April 27, 2011. She weighed 8 lbs 1 oz and was 21 inches long. Her cry was strong and beautiful. The only ill effects of the ordeal were a serious friction burn on her forehead (which is still healing) and a low body temperature due to the magnesium.

It's torture to not be able to see her as they checked her out and Rob cut the cord. It's so strange to feel them pulling and tugging behind the curtain. But she was here! I was able to talk to everyone and get the updates. She then went upstairs with Rob while I was stitched up.

So that was it, really! We were able to both do skin-to-skin with her in the recovery room, and I was able to try nursing for the first time. They extended visiting time a bit for my family to be able to visit in our new room upstairs for a bit. It was magical to see everyone's reactions. :)

We spent 4 days in the hospital before heading on on May 1st. The next chapter of our lives had started!

So what's new?

I am an awful blogger. I was pouting about the issues I had in my previously easy pregnancy and didn't feel like talking about it, honestly. What a brat. :) But you might be able to imagine that things are completely different from my last post!

The picture is my last official bump picture of being pregnant! We took it the weekend before I had the baby - I was 39 weeks in the picture. At that time, I had been on modified bedrest for almost 3 weeks. At my 36 week appointment, my blood pressure went above the borderline level where it had been and went into the danger zone. I was told to go right to the triage unit of the hospital.

Thankfully, it was the first appointment in a while that Rob attended with me. I was so happy to not be alone. We were scared, that's for sure. My blood pressure went up and down a bit in triage and there was a trace of protein in my urine (a sign of pre-eclampsia), so I was admitted.

I spent two nights in the hospital under observation. There was talk of putting me on medication and hints of inducing me then, at 36 weeks and 3-4 days, but in the end the doctors decided I could go home. However, my working days were over for a while! It was quite a surprise but a relief in the end.

It was wonderful and amazing how my husband, family, and friends rallied to take care of me! Rob was so great in picking up the slack around the house. My parents came by every weekend to clean and do the little projects it seemed as if we had plenty of time to do before the baby until the scare. And we got lovely home-cooked meals from several generous and talented people. :) My blood pressure was down a bit in my 37 and 38 week appointments. So I waited...

The glamour of pregnancy

I feel like it's been forever since I posted yet again! Time continues to move at a warp speed as we count down the weeks - soon to be the days - until my due date! Every day I am reminded by both the calendar and my ginormous belly that I AM SO FRIGGIN' PREGNANT.

We have been so busy around the house it's amazing! Well, I throw the "we" around a bit loosely, since I mostly do a short burst of organization or cleaning followed by a bit of time with my feet up. :) Rob has been great in general, and my parents have been coming by on the weekends to whip the place into shape. I am such a horrible housekeeper. Truly. But the house is looking great and I'm feeling less panicked about everything, at least.

Unfortunately, my blood pressure was high at my midwife appointment last week. Well, not exactly high - but "borderline," and only the top number. I had a follow up yesterday where the levels were just about the same. This sucks. It puts into doubt being able to deliver the way we had hoped. I hate that there's nothing I can do to fix it. I also really hate that my stupid body didn't want to get pregnant, and now it can't be pregnant correctly.

So the glamourous part of this whole equation is the screening for pre-eclampsia I am enjoying today: the 24-hour urine collection. Just as fabulous as it sounds, especially when you're at work! I have a nice cooler for my bottle of pee that I bring to the bathroom with me each time. It's very subtle.

I am mad at my body today. I really hope my urine is clear of protein and we can roll through the rest of this pregnancy without having to plan inductions or c-sections, etc. I'm not even in the mood to post pictures, so there. :)

The little stinker

I am not generally a nervous person. I worry a bit but am usually able to shake things off before dwelling too long. But of course, being someone's mom means worrying, so I had to come up with something to freak out about this pregnancy. And that came to a head this week in my worries about how often the baby is moving.

It seems like most people I hear from had very active babies. This one has been a lot more on the laid-back end of things (not that I have anything to directly compare it to, of course). But towards the end of last week and into the weekend, I noticed the baby was really quiet. I wasn't actively panicking, but it was something at the back of my mind. When I went in for a midwife appointment on Tuesday afternoon, I was asked how things were going, and I mentioned I was a little concerned. And kind of...cried. In a very dignified way, of course. Just the merest whisper of little tears leaking out. (you see, I am a crier. I have a way of tearing up when people look at me the way she was, all concerned.) So it was suggested that I go across the hall to the OB's office for a NST and an ultrasound. To which I replied, "Well...I feel silly...do you think I'm being silly?" More leakage. She wrote the paperwork out and away I went.

I have since found out a NST is a non-stress fetal test. You sit in a dentist-like chair with two probes on your belly: one where the baby's heartbeat can be read, and another right in the middle that apparently measures contractions. I had to look this up afterwards. :) You're instructed to push a button when the baby moves. And they leave you to obsess about movement, mine lasted 20 minutes. You could be like me and my little stinker - and not get to push the button at all, because the baby doesn't move. Which prompts a lady to come in and look all concerned and say "No movement at all?"

So I was taken to the ultrasound room in my trying-not-to-cry state. I was given a little chocolate bar to spur the baby along. Bribery starts early in these parts! Of course, the baby again was just chilling but not really moving. S/he was apparently "practice breathing," though, which is a good sign we're getting ready to go! After a few tense moments, the baby flexed and moved its hand and did a little jiggy movement.

WHEW. I then went back to the midwife for a wrap-up and found out things looked good, despite the reactions of the tech.

And I feel extra silly for worrying. :) But I got to see the baby, who is head down and measuring on track! I guess there's a pretty nice upside.