Never how I planned

I am still learning the lessons in humility and acceptance that have come with infertility and pregnancy complications. It's been difficult. I had a plan. We'd get pregnant after a month or two (see? I wasn't being unreasonable - I didn't expect it on the first try or anything! Ha!). I'd have an easy pregnancy. I would give birth unmedicated and on the baby's schedule. Not so much, as I should've learned by now! When I talk about the birth, people say to focus on the fact that we're both here and healthy. I know that's the important thing, I truly do, but I have mourned for the birth experience I wanted. But hey, I didn't have the conception experience I wanted, so maybe I should've known! :)

On April 26th, I had my 39 week appointment with the obstetrician. No more midwives for me with the hypertension! I had some mild contractions on a timeable basis during the weekend, but by that Tuesday they had stopped. I had previously measured at 1.5 cm dialation but didn't feel like the baby was in any hurry. It turns out, it wasn't, but my body wasn't handling the late stages of pregnancy well.

My blood pressure was higher than it had been even when I was hospitalized earlier in the month. Ironically, the doctor who saw me was the one who I hated as my gynecologist and caused me to leave the practice. I only went back because I wanted the Alternative Birthing Center, requiring a practice with several midwives. She had the same shitty bedside manner I remembered. :) I was told to get my ass immediately to the hospital. I even was told to bypass triage and tell them I was to get a labor room immediately.

So I ended up in Labor Room 5, the exact kind of impersonal, uncomfortable, highly "medical" labor room I had wanted to avoid. I was told I was to be confined to bed but could go to the bathroom myself if my blood pressure stabilized a bit. They started me on magnesium citrate, which is an awful, awful medication. I also started another medication to bring the blood pressure down, and pitocin to get the show on the road.

It really took a while to start feeling the contractions from the pitocin. I had probably been in the labor room for 5-6 hours at that time. The doctor broke my water that night and things started moving from there. So I learned that labor hurts! I was unable to do any of the positions I had studied to help with labor and powered through it confined to bed. One nice thing that happened was one of the midwives spent most of the night with us, helping me through the contractions. I felt like I could handle the pain enough to make this happen.

Until I made no progress in dialation after the entire night of contractions. It was the first time labor would make me feel more hopeless and inadequate than I ever had before. I broke and asked for the epidural at the advice of the nurse.

The relief was welcome! I was able to send Rob home to shower and take care of the dogs, since I was only at 3 cm and he had come to the doctor appointment right from a 12 hour shift. Poor guy was sleeping between my contractions all night. :)

When I was checked again after the morning, I was shocked to learn I was 9 cm and close to pushing time! My spirits lifted. Finally - to meet this baby! Rob wasn't back but was close, so at least I wasn't alone! My family were waiting downstairs and I felt like it couldn't be long!

Wrong again! I pushed for 3 hours. It turns out the baby wasn't quite in the right position - it was face-up (or, more pleasantly, "sunnyside up") and slightly askew. Although I was pushing well and apparently you could see the top of the crown, I wasn't making progress. I could see the nurses and doctors whispering and exchanging looks, so I knew it wasn't going well.

The doctor then gave me a choice: I could keep pushing, and maybe the baby would break free. But I would have to accept the possibility of an emergency c-section. In an emeregency section, the incision is vertical, causing all kinds of recovery problems and ruling out future vaginal deliveries. Or I could opt for a non-emergency c-section. This would give them time to prepare and do the bikini cut, a more forgiving incision and leaving open the possibility of avoiding a section with future children. The baby had never shown signs of distress, so I still had the choice.

What a choice. The thing I didn't want most out of this delivery was on the table...but was obviously the better choice for me and the baby.

So I ended up on the operating table in the most surreal experience, splayed out like on the cross on the other side of a big curtain. There were probably 10 people in the operating room (all very nice and comforting, at least). I was so exhausted and feeling the effects of the magnesium, which was trippy and caused eye issues.

But a happy ending! They asked Rob to tell us all what the baby was. I'll never forget his reaction: happy crying as he said "It's a beautiful baby girl."

April Lynn was born at 5:02 PM on April 27, 2011. She weighed 8 lbs 1 oz and was 21 inches long. Her cry was strong and beautiful. The only ill effects of the ordeal were a serious friction burn on her forehead (which is still healing) and a low body temperature due to the magnesium.

It's torture to not be able to see her as they checked her out and Rob cut the cord. It's so strange to feel them pulling and tugging behind the curtain. But she was here! I was able to talk to everyone and get the updates. She then went upstairs with Rob while I was stitched up.

So that was it, really! We were able to both do skin-to-skin with her in the recovery room, and I was able to try nursing for the first time. They extended visiting time a bit for my family to be able to visit in our new room upstairs for a bit. It was magical to see everyone's reactions. :)

We spent 4 days in the hospital before heading on on May 1st. The next chapter of our lives had started!

So what's new?

I am an awful blogger. I was pouting about the issues I had in my previously easy pregnancy and didn't feel like talking about it, honestly. What a brat. :) But you might be able to imagine that things are completely different from my last post!

The picture is my last official bump picture of being pregnant! We took it the weekend before I had the baby - I was 39 weeks in the picture. At that time, I had been on modified bedrest for almost 3 weeks. At my 36 week appointment, my blood pressure went above the borderline level where it had been and went into the danger zone. I was told to go right to the triage unit of the hospital.

Thankfully, it was the first appointment in a while that Rob attended with me. I was so happy to not be alone. We were scared, that's for sure. My blood pressure went up and down a bit in triage and there was a trace of protein in my urine (a sign of pre-eclampsia), so I was admitted.

I spent two nights in the hospital under observation. There was talk of putting me on medication and hints of inducing me then, at 36 weeks and 3-4 days, but in the end the doctors decided I could go home. However, my working days were over for a while! It was quite a surprise but a relief in the end.

It was wonderful and amazing how my husband, family, and friends rallied to take care of me! Rob was so great in picking up the slack around the house. My parents came by every weekend to clean and do the little projects it seemed as if we had plenty of time to do before the baby until the scare. And we got lovely home-cooked meals from several generous and talented people. :) My blood pressure was down a bit in my 37 and 38 week appointments. So I waited...

The glamour of pregnancy

I feel like it's been forever since I posted yet again! Time continues to move at a warp speed as we count down the weeks - soon to be the days - until my due date! Every day I am reminded by both the calendar and my ginormous belly that I AM SO FRIGGIN' PREGNANT.

We have been so busy around the house it's amazing! Well, I throw the "we" around a bit loosely, since I mostly do a short burst of organization or cleaning followed by a bit of time with my feet up. :) Rob has been great in general, and my parents have been coming by on the weekends to whip the place into shape. I am such a horrible housekeeper. Truly. But the house is looking great and I'm feeling less panicked about everything, at least.

Unfortunately, my blood pressure was high at my midwife appointment last week. Well, not exactly high - but "borderline," and only the top number. I had a follow up yesterday where the levels were just about the same. This sucks. It puts into doubt being able to deliver the way we had hoped. I hate that there's nothing I can do to fix it. I also really hate that my stupid body didn't want to get pregnant, and now it can't be pregnant correctly.

So the glamourous part of this whole equation is the screening for pre-eclampsia I am enjoying today: the 24-hour urine collection. Just as fabulous as it sounds, especially when you're at work! I have a nice cooler for my bottle of pee that I bring to the bathroom with me each time. It's very subtle.

I am mad at my body today. I really hope my urine is clear of protein and we can roll through the rest of this pregnancy without having to plan inductions or c-sections, etc. I'm not even in the mood to post pictures, so there. :)

The little stinker

I am not generally a nervous person. I worry a bit but am usually able to shake things off before dwelling too long. But of course, being someone's mom means worrying, so I had to come up with something to freak out about this pregnancy. And that came to a head this week in my worries about how often the baby is moving.

It seems like most people I hear from had very active babies. This one has been a lot more on the laid-back end of things (not that I have anything to directly compare it to, of course). But towards the end of last week and into the weekend, I noticed the baby was really quiet. I wasn't actively panicking, but it was something at the back of my mind. When I went in for a midwife appointment on Tuesday afternoon, I was asked how things were going, and I mentioned I was a little concerned. And kind of...cried. In a very dignified way, of course. Just the merest whisper of little tears leaking out. (you see, I am a crier. I have a way of tearing up when people look at me the way she was, all concerned.) So it was suggested that I go across the hall to the OB's office for a NST and an ultrasound. To which I replied, "Well...I feel silly...do you think I'm being silly?" More leakage. She wrote the paperwork out and away I went.

I have since found out a NST is a non-stress fetal test. You sit in a dentist-like chair with two probes on your belly: one where the baby's heartbeat can be read, and another right in the middle that apparently measures contractions. I had to look this up afterwards. :) You're instructed to push a button when the baby moves. And they leave you to obsess about movement, mine lasted 20 minutes. You could be like me and my little stinker - and not get to push the button at all, because the baby doesn't move. Which prompts a lady to come in and look all concerned and say "No movement at all?"

So I was taken to the ultrasound room in my trying-not-to-cry state. I was given a little chocolate bar to spur the baby along. Bribery starts early in these parts! Of course, the baby again was just chilling but not really moving. S/he was apparently "practice breathing," though, which is a good sign we're getting ready to go! After a few tense moments, the baby flexed and moved its hand and did a little jiggy movement.

WHEW. I then went back to the midwife for a wrap-up and found out things looked good, despite the reactions of the tech.

And I feel extra silly for worrying. :) But I got to see the baby, who is head down and measuring on track! I guess there's a pretty nice upside.

What's in there?

So as I get closer to the end, I find myself pondering whether we'll be having a son or daughter. I'm still glad we didn't find out - particularly that I received lots of yellow and green at the shower, ha! - I'm starting to get a little impatient. Everyone has an opinion! As I write this, the poll here on the blog is 10:9 for girl. The baby pool my mom and sister organized say 32:20 boy. But in the interest of science, I looked up some of the wives' tales on gender prediction so I can share with you all!

Q: Carrying high or low?
A: Oh my gosh, if this were true this would be the girliest girl ever, because the baby is high!

Q: Heartrate - above or below 140 beats per minute?
A: I think almost every time it's checked we're right around 140! Maybe a bit higher, which supposedly means a girl.

Q: Cravings - sweet or salty?
A: Another that would mean a girly-girl, because it's been sweets all the way!

Q: Chinese Birth Chart - age of mother and month of conception.
A: 30 at conception, and I guess technically conceived in August? (These are always odd, I mean, with the IVF the egg was fertilized in May, actually, but then frozen and implanted in August...) If I use May, it's a girl. If I use August, it's a boy. :)

Q: Mayan Sex Predictor - age of mother and year of conception, odd or even?
A: Both are even, so that means girl. (apparently if it's one of each, it's a boy)

Q: If you put a key in front of me, do I pick up the big part or the thin part?
A: We did this at a party a few months ago, actually. I picked up the round part, so that is supposed to mean a boy. (some of these are so scientific!) Which is kind of the opposite of what you'd think. Or maybe that's just me...but I would think the long, thin part would be a boy. :)

Q: Breaking out, swollen nose, etc.
A: I don't think I look much different than before I got pregnant (my skin actually cleared up!), so that is another indication of a boy, because girls "steal their mothers beauty!" Ha, awesome. Mom, you're still beautiful and you had two girls. :)

Q: Morning sickness?
A: Wow, these predictors really think carrying a girl is a bitch! But since I had smooth sailing the whole time, that's a boy indicator.

Q: Where's the weight going - all over or just in front?
A: This one makes me happy, and it is probably the wives' tale I hear the most from people. I haven't put on much weight except the belly, so that is supposed to indicate a boy.

Q: Leg hair growth - faster or the same as before pregnancy?
A: The same, if not slower. Thank goodness, because it's hard to reach! Girl.

Q: Cold feet? (literally)
A: Nope, no difference. Theoretically a girl.

Okay, last one! There are a million out there! Here's a nice off-the-wall one.
Q: Do you eat the heel of the bread?
A: No, I have always hated the heel of the bread. So must be a girl!


Our grand total for this little exercise is 7:4 for a girl. :) I suspect the more you answer, the closer it gets to 50%, of course, with my vast knowledge of statistics. (um, total joke)

I also get asked a lot what I think. For some reason, I have always thought of this baby as a girl. It's not a preference or anything I can point to as having a logical base or even a moment I began thinking so - it's just what I think. Maybe because it's funny to think of having a penis inside me for 9 months. HA, I'm a riot. I was so sure it was a girl for a while I actually sat up in bed one morning and said to myself "Self, this could just as easily be a boy!" which was kind of a shocker. So now I have to keep reminding myself of that. I honestly don't have a preference, though!

Anyway, back to work. :)

Showered!

I had my shower this weekend! I am a very spoiled girl. :) It was such a lovely event. I walked in and teared up - it was amazing how many people were there. My mom, sister, and friends Kyla and Angela made the room look absolutely beautiful! Sometimes I am totally overwhelmed with how my people "get" me. It was all done with yellow and green (my top two colors), the hanging onesies featured a few of my favorites (frogs! turtles!), and the centerpieces had rocks in them. Um...perfect! The whole thing made me feel so special and loved. Not to mention the gifts! I am bowled over by how generous everyone was. This baby is set!

So the two showers definitely spurred a panic attack in me that we NEED to get the house squared away! It has been so busy since, getting the gear assembled and the nursery organized. I guess I'm nesting! :) Everyone has been so wonderful to help, too. My parents and my sister and her boyfriend have been over every day for a week helping with the furniture, cleaning, organizing, etc. I feel so lucky to have this baby be so loved already!

I am 32 weeks pregnant. I am huge. I feel pretty good, but this baby is riding so high that I feel a little squished in there! But I'm moving around well and just trying to slow time a bit before the big event. I can't even fathom how things will be changing. In less than 2 months time.

Cakewrecks.com is the best, isn't it? I am sad to report this was NOT my shower cake. I had a boring old ice cream cake for my work shower this week. If you know me, this would be obvious as sarcasm, because ice cream cakes are my favorite! (Gosh, can a pregnant lady pick a favorite cake? I kind of feel bad saying that, because I am an equal-opportunity cake lover!) So I had a work shower this week and it was so sweet! I was really touched by the effort everyone put in and how they took time out of their days to celebrate. People were very generous - I got most of the accessories that match the crib bedding, which is cuter than I remember! It was funny to have guys there watching me open gifts. :)

What else is new this week? Rob was away last weekend and I spent the nights at my parents' house. It was a nice break - I was pampered. I also used the gift certificate from Rob for a prenatal massage, which was wonderful! What a thoughtful husband (and I only had to hint one time!). It was funny when he got back - he said that, when he left, I certainly looked pregnant. But when he got back, he said it was unbelievable, or some such adjective you don't generally hope to hear applied to your belly. I got a good laugh over that one!

I had my first appointment with the midwife in the new practice this week, and that went well! I have gained another pound, putting me at 18. I have enjoyed the comments from people that it's all belly, though. :) I do fit into pre-pregnancy clothes with the exception of this beachball in front!

I've been reading lots of books and blogs on natural birth, etc. Although I know there is a line of where I have too much information and psych myself out, I feel better being prepared. And I love reading birth stories - the good and the bad.

So that's about it! I'm feeling good and the baby has been active this week. Time is flying by! I am starting to get pretty frantic about fixing up the nursery and getting the house all set (I am an absolutely terribly housekeeper). I just know April will be here before we know it!