There's a lot about April's newborn phase that I'm ashamed to admit. I am not sure if it was post-partum depression, but I definitely suspected it. My midwife suggested therapy but I didn't want to share my feelings with anyone. I had so much trouble admitting things weren't the fairy tale you start to believe they will be. I suspect it has something to do with infertility and our struggles to get here. There is for sure a "survivor's guilt" associated with finally getting pregnant and having a baby. The last thing I wanted was to seem ungrateful for my miracle.
But anyway, things were definitely not easy for a while. April had reflux and a really hard time with gas. I had some difficulty recovering from the c-section (and subsequent d&c after 8 weeks of bleeding). And with the shift Rob was working, I felt like I was alone most of the time. Some people reached out to spend time with us, but I hid what I was feeling. Honestly, I didn't feel as connected to her as I knew I should. Which created a guilt spiral where I just felt worse and worse.
I wanted to say all this not to be a bummer, but to reflect on how I am still in amazement over how things have changed in the past maybe four weeks. I'm sure part of it is me getting used to the new normal and feeling better physically. I started to learn what she liked, too. I would think April is the real reason, though. I absolutely adore this baby. In her third month, she started responding to us and the world in general. I could sit and watch her smile for hours (and do, it seems). My favorite thing in the whole world right now is when she "talks" to me. I never imagined loving a sound so much.
I don't really have a reference point with which to judge, but she seems like such a sweet and happy baby! We've been toting her around all kinds of places, and she is (for the most part) easy! She's been to all kinds of restaurants and parties in her three months. I am so grateful to have such an awesome girl. I'm truly lucky in countless ways these days.
She'll be three months old tomorrow. Happy quarter-birthday, April. I'm sorry for our rough start but can't wait to see how you continue to grow!
Those first months are a challenge, even with a baby who isn't suffering from reflux! It just keeps getting better I promise. I applaud you for being honest about your feelings, it's not easy - but know that you are most definitely not alone :) ((hugs))
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